Comedy Room
- Thread starter Gonzo
- Start date
tommyj27
teh ho-bot
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now
departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go
by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped
off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella
felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you
have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you
to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a
young man with the looks and body that no other man could match. The Fairy
Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and
with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his
muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go
by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy
Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after
all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good
wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped
off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and
full of the beauty I once had." At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella
felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "You have one wish remaining, what shall you
have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you
to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a
young man with the looks and body that no other man could match. The Fairy
Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and
with that she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had
ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his
muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
"Bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
Spot
New Member
The Welfare Office -
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi. I want you to know that I hate drawing welfare and I'd really rather have a job."
The man behind the welfare desk says, "Well, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says "You're bullshitting me".
The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says "Hi. I want you to know that I hate drawing welfare and I'd really rather have a job."
The man behind the welfare desk says, "Well, your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says "You're bullshitting me".
The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".
habaneroman
New Member
Seems like old times.....
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see! this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, lowers her knickers and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman ever saw. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing! He was going like a train! I've GOT to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else; you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake."
"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see! this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, lowers her knickers and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman ever saw. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing! He was going like a train! I've GOT to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else; you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
habaneroman
New Member
The Pond
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as
he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as
he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast.
sexy_mexican
New Member
3 ho's escaped from jail one was caught reading this post
fury said:This one's an oldie, but still makes me laugh.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a
bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're
in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above
the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north
latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me
is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of
your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to
a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which
you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
I LOVE IT
habaneroman
New Member
Fun at the senior center
It was entertainment night at the senior center and
the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came
from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I
want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations." He began to swing the watch gently
back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of
pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
."SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
It was entertainment night at the senior center and
the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came
from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I
want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations." He began to swing the watch gently
back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the
watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd
became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of
pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
."SHIT!" said the Hypnotist...
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
The Broken Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always
something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush!
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway!"
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care
of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always
something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush!
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway!"
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.