Comedy Room

fury

Administrator
Staff member
This one's an oldie, but still makes me laugh. :headbang:

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He
reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a
bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're
in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above
the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north
latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me
is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of
your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've
delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to
a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which
you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath
you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now,
somehow, it's my fault."
 

Professur

Mushroom at large
I was in a pharmacy this morning as a guy was picking up his Viagra. Glancing at his bill, I couldn't help myself. I had to ask "Wouldn't a hooker be cheaper?" He was not amused. Niether was the pharmacist ..... until the guy had left.




Damn that stuff's expensive.
 

fury

Administrator
Staff member
 

Aunty M

AMD Bitch
fury said:
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Well,
Here's to achieving 103%!!...

Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!

What makes life 100% ??

IF:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y
Z =

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26



Then;

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only



K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only



But;

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %



However;

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, Give it all you've got!

S T U P I D I T Y

19 20 21 16 9 4 9 20 25 =143%

Well if that don't beat all! :laugh:
 

chcr

I have no idea!
:brow:

Older Folks

1. The children of an old couple who had farmed all their lives decided they should move mom and dad to town for their remaining years. The first thing the children did after they had moved their parents was to send them to see a doctor for a complete physical. Afterward, the doctor said "You are both in excellent health for your age, proof that country living is good for you. You should both keep up the good work, and you should be fine for semi-annual sex." As they were walking to the car, the old man turned to the old woman and said "Semi-annual, how many times a week is that?"

2. An old couple are visiting the doctor's office. At the end of their physicals the doctor enters the room and says "Ma'am, you're in good physical and mental condition, you've been taking excellent care of yourself. Keep up the good work." He then turns to the old man and says "Sir, I'm going to need to run further tests on you. I'm going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample." The old man, somewhat hard of hearing asks "what?" The doctor, embarrassed, repeats himself in a slightly louder voice, to which the old man once again replies "What." At this point, the old woman grabs the old man and says loudly "he wants a pair of your shorts."
 

chcr

I have no idea!
Squiggy reminded me of this on a thread over on OTC. I used to work as a musician, and I have used this line, or had it used on me dozens of times:
"Of all the bands I ever heard, you guys are one."

An oboe player at Cornell told me this one:
"What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement." (sorry, okay?)
 

Aunty M

AMD Bitch
chcr said:

An oboe player at Cornell told me this one:
"What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's last movement." (sorry, okay?)

Oh God! That is sooo sad.... :eek2:
 

habaneroman

New Member
A touching Story of Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral"

:laugh:
 

habaneroman

New Member
Hot Mama!

Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor:
"Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

:D
 

habaneroman

New Member
Say something positive

Husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is sticking out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby"

She turns to her husband and says..... "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself"

He thinks about it for a bit and then says "Well......there's nothing
wrong with your eyesight."
 
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