Comedy Room
- Thread starter Gonzo
- Start date
habaneroman
New Member
OK, I'll give it a try
A new couple, she's deaf, he's not.
To better communicate, he decides to write down some signals for her, until he can master sign language.
On a sheet of paper, he makes a list, entitled; Signals for Sex
It reads-
1) If I want to have sex, I'll squeeze your right breast twice
2) If I don't want to have sex, I'll squeeze your left breast once
3) If you want to have sex, pull my penis once
4) If you don't want to have sex, pull my penis 55 times
A new couple, she's deaf, he's not.
To better communicate, he decides to write down some signals for her, until he can master sign language.
On a sheet of paper, he makes a list, entitled; Signals for Sex
It reads-
1) If I want to have sex, I'll squeeze your right breast twice
2) If I don't want to have sex, I'll squeeze your left breast once
3) If you want to have sex, pull my penis once
4) If you don't want to have sex, pull my penis 55 times
O
occupant
Guest
occupant TakeS dUmp anD leaVes
smeLL tHat!
smeLL tHat!
that wasn't funny...I'm tellin' Uncle Frederick.
BigDadday
Everday People
A joke passed onto me........
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father
stops
at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son:
To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers.
The son looks at his father and asked: Dad, what are the Twin Towers?
Father says: My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall
buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United
States, but
approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings.
The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:
Daddy what are Arabs?
A father and his son are walking the Manhattan streets when the father
stops
at a vacant lot takes a deep breath and tells his son:
To think that at one time here on this very lot stood the Twin Towers.
The son looks at his father and asked: Dad, what are the Twin Towers?
Father says: My dear son, the Twin Towers were two tremedously tall
buildings with lots of offices that was the heart of the United
States, but
approx 31 years ago, several Arabs destroyed the buildings.
The boy then thought for a minute and then asked his father:
Daddy what are Arabs?
S
s4
Guest
Let's be careful not to bash people that are of an Arab descent. A great many do not condone the actions of bin Laden or the terrorists. I think this kind of thinking also divides Americans because there are many Arab people in the US legitimately, and they do not deserve to be equated on the same level of humanity as the terrorists are.
habaneroman
New Member
Are blondes fair game?
A man sits down at a nearly empty bar, after a few beers, he decides to liven things up a bit.
He says to the guy next to him, "Want to hear a blond joke?"
Guy resopnds, "Well before you tell that joke, let me tell you that the bartender is blond, and a former boxer, the waitress is blond, and a BlacK Belt in Karate, the bouncer is blond and an ex-NFL lineman, and, even though my head is shaved, I am blond and a former national Judo champion.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
Man responds, "Well no, not if I have to explain it four times."
A man sits down at a nearly empty bar, after a few beers, he decides to liven things up a bit.
He says to the guy next to him, "Want to hear a blond joke?"
Guy resopnds, "Well before you tell that joke, let me tell you that the bartender is blond, and a former boxer, the waitress is blond, and a BlacK Belt in Karate, the bouncer is blond and an ex-NFL lineman, and, even though my head is shaved, I am blond and a former national Judo champion.
Do you still want to tell that joke?"
Man responds, "Well no, not if I have to explain it four times."
habaneroman
New Member
Another one
This one from my sister.
A man comes home to find his wife happily humming to herself while getting dinner ready
Hubby ask's, "Why are you in such a good mood?"
Wife. "Well, I had my yearly physical today, and the doctor said I had the skin , health and breasts of a 25 year old".
Hubby, "What did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
Wife, "Oh nothing, your name never came up".
This one from my sister.
A man comes home to find his wife happily humming to herself while getting dinner ready
Hubby ask's, "Why are you in such a good mood?"
Wife. "Well, I had my yearly physical today, and the doctor said I had the skin , health and breasts of a 25 year old".
Hubby, "What did he say about your 50 year old ass?"
Wife, "Oh nothing, your name never came up".
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%
Well,
Here's to achieving 103%!!...
Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
What makes life 100% ??
IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y
Z =
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26
Then;
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
But;
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However;
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, Give it all you've got!
Well,
Here's to achieving 103%!!...
Here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future!
What makes life 100% ??
IF:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y
Z =
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25
26
Then;
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98 % Only
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96 % Only
But;
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
However;
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, Give it all you've got!
BigDadday
Everday People
Three Roses
THREE ROSES
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation
because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the
doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed
and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses
carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately
calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to
tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first
rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this
all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She
assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation
done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in
the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
THREE ROSES
A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation
because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the
doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed
and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.
She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses
carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately
calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to
tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first
rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this
all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She
assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation
done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked
"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in
the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
BigDadday
Everday People
Cinderella, And her fella
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the
garden, her fairy Godmother appears, and promises to provide
Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but
only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees and asks, "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm
will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at
5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and *very*
satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy
Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three
hours ago."
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his
name."
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
other...."
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked
stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the
garden, her fairy Godmother appears, and promises to provide
Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but
only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees and asks, "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm
will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour
comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at
5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and *very*
satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy
Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three
hours ago."
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of
everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his
name."
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or
other...."
BigDadday
Everday People
man goes into a pub
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says.
'You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'
The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.
Again, the man apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop.'
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up, love?' he asks
'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny
with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.
'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12
pints of Guinness..'
A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts' he says.
'You dirty git,' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.'
The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.
'I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says.
'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms.
Again, the man apologises and swears never ever to do it again.
'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop.'
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
'What's up, love?' he asks
'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off' she says.
'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband.
'Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.
'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny
with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically.
'Look, love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12
pints of Guinness..'
Acid
stud
Joke
Bush and Taliban Leader are meeting in Afghanistan to straighten things up. Bush notices 3 buttons on his chair. Taliban is discussing terms, and Bush decides to press Button #1. All of a sudden, a punching glove comes out and hits Bush in the face. Mr. Taliban Leader starts laughing, but Bush stays cool. Discussion starts again, and he presses #2. A boot comes out of the floor, and kicks Bush in the shins. Taliban laughs again. Bush then hits #3, and the boot comes out again, and hits him in the balls. Bush decides to leave, and have another meeting in D.C. 2 weeks later.
The Taliban leader comes to D.C., and notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair. Discussion starts, and Bush hits #1. Taliban leader covers his face immediately, but nothing happens. Bush laughs hard. Discussion begins again, and he hits #2. Taliban leader pulls legs up, but nothing happens. Bush laughs even harder. Discussion starts again, but the Taliban leader is very annoyed by now. Bush hits #3, and Taliban leader jumps out of chair, and Bush laughs uncontrollably. Taliban leader shouts that it isn't funny and professional, and that he'll be returning to Afghanistan. Bush then laughs harder, and says "<i>What Afghanistan?!!!</i>"
Bush and Taliban Leader are meeting in Afghanistan to straighten things up. Bush notices 3 buttons on his chair. Taliban is discussing terms, and Bush decides to press Button #1. All of a sudden, a punching glove comes out and hits Bush in the face. Mr. Taliban Leader starts laughing, but Bush stays cool. Discussion starts again, and he presses #2. A boot comes out of the floor, and kicks Bush in the shins. Taliban laughs again. Bush then hits #3, and the boot comes out again, and hits him in the balls. Bush decides to leave, and have another meeting in D.C. 2 weeks later.
The Taliban leader comes to D.C., and notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair. Discussion starts, and Bush hits #1. Taliban leader covers his face immediately, but nothing happens. Bush laughs hard. Discussion begins again, and he hits #2. Taliban leader pulls legs up, but nothing happens. Bush laughs even harder. Discussion starts again, but the Taliban leader is very annoyed by now. Bush hits #3, and Taliban leader jumps out of chair, and Bush laughs uncontrollably. Taliban leader shouts that it isn't funny and professional, and that he'll be returning to Afghanistan. Bush then laughs harder, and says "<i>What Afghanistan?!!!</i>"
habaneroman
New Member
A Rabbi and a Priest get stranded on a deserted island.
After a few days, the priest says, "I wish there were some young boys on this island".
Rabbi, Why?
Priest, So we could screw 'em.
Rabbi, Out of what?
After a few days, the priest says, "I wish there were some young boys on this island".
Rabbi, Why?
Priest, So we could screw 'em.
Rabbi, Out of what?
BigDadday
Everday People
The Spoon
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he
sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean
spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the
waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes.
Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8%
of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons
with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string
hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems
that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time
washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of
that string is tied to my p*ni$. When I need to go, I simply pull the
string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't
actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot
of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner.
"How do you get your penis back in your pants???"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he
sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.
A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean
spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the
waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes.
Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8%
of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons
with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string
hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems
that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time
washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of
that string is tied to my p*ni$. When I need to go, I simply pull the
string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't
actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot
of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner.
"How do you get your penis back in your pants???"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon
BigDadday
Everday People
Becoming an Australian
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the
drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the heck is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today,you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit.
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the
drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the heck is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighborhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today,you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-shit.
BigDadday
Everday People
CEO's
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.
"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."