Joke Thread

BigDadday

Everday People
Seeing as some think that it's a bit much when adding jokes whenever we come across them am trying this for admin sake. Add on everyone who cares. :beerchug:

Limit the use of your siggy (like me :D) so it will not slow it down as I think it should get to be a long one.;)
 

BigDadday

Everday People
Beer Trivia....
In Baltimore, in the mid 1800's there was a man who sold corpses to the hospital for research. He stored the cadavers in cheap whiskey to ferment them before turning them over to the researchers. He then sold
the whiskey to the medical students ...thus the term "rot gut".
It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honeymonth" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb". (I had always thought that the phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. I learn something new every day.)

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, orale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare shirt" in Norse,
and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased andcalled Admiral Vernon, Old Grog, after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy", a word still in use today.

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is thephrase inspired by this practice. (Not wetting your lips, your "whistle"? Now I've learned two things. Time for a break.)
 

BigDadday

Everday People
The Atheist and the Shark

There is an atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming toward his boat. As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head toward him. His boat is a long way off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above.The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"


Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"


The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.


Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows
its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."
 

BigDadday

Everday People
Bear Warning

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them.

We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.


Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings. Black bear droppings are small and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.


Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
 

BigDadday

Everday People
The Computer Hillbillies (EngineersSong):rollleys:

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."
Windows, that is... PC's... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "California is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Silicon Valley...
Intel, that is... Pentium ... big amusement park...


On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "your project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"
OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"
Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...
Y'all come back now... ya hear'
 

BigDadday

Everday People
In Confession...

A drunk staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down
in a confession box and says nothing.
The bewildered priest clears his throat to attract his
attention, but still the man says nothing.
The priest then knocks on the wall several times in a final
attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' there,
not a shred o' paper in this one either."

:beerchug:
 

BigDadday

Everday People
OUCH!!!!

Rectal Impaction Following Enema with Concrete Mix

by Peter J. Stephens, M.D., and Mark L. Taff, M.D.
from the American Journal of Forensic Medicine and Pathology 8(2):179-182, 1987.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


This article describes an unusual rectal foreign body resulting from homosexual anal erotic activities. The patient had used an enema containing a concrete mix which became impacted and required surgical removal. The use, abuse, and complications of enemas are reviewed.

Key Words: Anal eroticism--Colorectal injuries--Enemas, cement--Foreign bodies--Paraphilias.
:worm: :worm: :worm: :worm: :worm:

During the last 20 years, sexual habits have changed in western society. Both homosexuals and heterosexuals have shown an increasing interest in anal erotic practices, including the use of enemas for sexual enjoyment. We report a case of a klismaphiliac who had an impacted foreign body in his rectum followin an enema with a concrete mix.


CASE REPORT
A 20-year-old man presented to the emergency room complaining of rectal pain. A well-nourished, well-developed man without signs of intoxication was admitted in no apparent distress. Digital examination of the rectum revealed a stony hard mass. Abdominal plain films showed a vertically oriented, low-lying radiopaque object in the rectum. A spherical radiolucency was noted in the upper pole of the mass. A blood alcohol level was negative. No other drug testing was performed.


Upon further questioning, the patient said that approximately 4 hrs earlier he and his boyfriend had been "fooling around." After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet against the wall at a 45-degree angle while his boyfriend poured the mixture through a funnel into his rectum. After the concrete mass hardened, it became so painful that he sought medical care.


Under general anesthesia, the anus was dilated and two Foley catheters were inserted alongside the rectal mass to relieve suction. A concrete case of the rectum was delivered without incident. The rectal mucosa was intact with a hyperemic and edematous appearance.


The patient was kept overnight and discharged uneventfully the following morning. The attending physician recommended a psychiatric consultation, but the patient declined.


PATHOLOGIC EXAMINATION

Examination of the specimen revealed a perfect concrete cast of the rectum, measuring 12 X 7 X 5 cm and weighing 275 g . A thin layer of feces coated the surface and crevices. Grooves in the mass were consistent with rectal mucosal folds. A layer of concrete was chipped off the upper part of the specimen and revealed a white plastic ping-pong ball. This corresponded to the radiolucency observed in the abdominal x-ray.
 

BigDadday

Everday People
Different words As viewed by Females and Males.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon)n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning and farting.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
 

BigDadday

Everday People
One-Liners

Black holes are where God divides by zero.


All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.


Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.


OK, so what's the speed of dark? :confused:


How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? :lol:


If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.


Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.


Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.


When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.


Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.


Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.


I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.


If Barbie is so popular, how come you have to buy her friends?


Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.


If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.


24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
 

BigDadday

Everday People
Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"




The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
 

BigDadday

Everday People
Transportation In Heaven

Oldie but goodie...............
Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them, "Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we determine what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to your wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man, "were you true to your wife?"


"Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply."


"As reward for your complete fidelity," says St. Peter, "I now give you these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce."


The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"


Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly, "I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day."


St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac."


As the man takes the keys from his St. Peter turns to the third man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"


"St. Peter," says the man, "I screwed everything I could, every chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that I didn't sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really did love my wife very much."


"Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love your wife and that does count for something, so this is what you get." With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the man. The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter.


Sometime later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing uncontrollably. The man pulls his bicycle up next to the man and says, "Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could possibility be wrong? You have a beautiful Rolls Royce to drive arround in?"


"I know," says the man through his sobs, "but I just saw my wife on roller skates!"
 
K

krusty

Guest
In your opinion fury, how about, this many jokes is boring to the max... have you actually stopped and read them all... ??
 

Outlaw69

Banned
You know what really makes me laugh? Something that actually happened to you for real...I like real stories about the Xi members here.

I despise joke threads with a passion that burns with a million suns. No hard feelings Big Daddy, just hate jokes posted...I get enough of them in my email.
 

BigDadday

Everday People
Yes I do read all of them and if you want will cut them out as I don't like waves and if you don't like it consider it fini? No hard feelings taken at all.:) BD
 
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