RUSSIA vs USA

Q · Jul 6, 2001

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that
if
they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole
world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog
in
the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the
world. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian
wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each
litter,
removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage
needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near
it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a
strange
looking animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for
the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could
possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened
up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards
the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and
charged
the American Dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the
Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian
dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief.
"We
don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs
in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"Da's nothin", said T-Cat, the Cajun, representing the Americans. "We had
our bess plastic surgins workin' fo' five year to make a alligator look
like
a weenie dog."

s4 · Jul 6, 2001

That's a good one.

jayburner · Jul 6, 2001

Good one Q

Q · Jul 6, 2001

This one's better

A couple have been happily married for 40 years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of f@rting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and cause her to gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her that he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor because she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulled back the bed covers. She pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting,followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran to the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing with tears in her eyes. After years of torture she smiled as she enjoyed getting back at him.

About twenty minutes later the husband came downstairs in his stained underpants, a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "Honey, you were right. All those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up f@*ting my guts outand today it finally happened. But...by the grace of God and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in!"