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Comedy Room

Discussion in 'Thriller Promotions and Pavilion' started by Gonzo, Oct 3, 2001.

  1. habaneroman

    habaneroman New Member

    Brad, the manager of a struggling retail store, had decided to lay off one of his workers.
    He had narrowed it down to 2 people, Diane and Jack.
    When it was time for the next work day, he had still not decided who was going to be the one to cut loose.
    That morning, Diane arrived a little early, and he decided to let her know his dilema.

    Brad: Diane, I've come to a decision, I have got to lay you, or Jack off.

    Diane: Well, you better jackoff, because I've got a headache.

  2. habaneroman

    habaneroman New Member


    "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was
    going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew
    what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

    "Wow, that's incredible! How did he know all of that?"

    "The judge told him."

  3. BigDadday

    BigDadday Everday People

    Calling For Technical Support:

    Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring... Ring...
    Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring...
    Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring...

    Automated Answer:
    Thank you for calling Technical Support.
    All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now.
  4. Nihilistic

    Nihilistic Close the world, txEn eht nepO

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

    'Why, of course,' comes the reply.
    The first man then asks, 'Where are you from?'

    'I'm from Ireland,' replies the second man.

    The first man responds by saying, 'You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.'

    'Of course,' replies the second man.
    Curious, the first man then asks, 'Where in Ireland are you from?'

    'Dublin,' comes the reply.
    'I can't believe it,' says the first man, 'I'm from Dublin too. Let's have another drink to Dublin.'

    'Of course,' replies the second man.

    Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, 'What school did you go to?'

    'St Mary's,' replies the second man, 'I graduated in 1962.'

    'This is unbelievable,' the first man says. 'I went to St Mary's and I graduated in 1962 too.'

    About that time, one of the regulars comes in and sits down at the bar.

    'What's been going on?' he asks the barman.

    'Nothing much,' replies the barman. 'The O'Malley twins are drunk again.'
  5. Nihilistic

    Nihilistic Close the world, txEn eht nepO

    I know there SOOOOOOOOOO old, but i could care less, here we go....

    She was so blonde...

    She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

    She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

    She told me to meet her at the corner of 'walk' and 'don't walk'.

    She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.

    She tried to drown a fish.

    She thought a quarterback was a refund.

    She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

    If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back.

    They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

    Under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On Phonics.'

    She tripped over a cordless phone.

    She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

    At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here', she put 'Sagittarius.'

    She asked for a price docket at the Dollar Store.

    If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.

    She studied for a blood test... and failed.

    She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

    She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

    She thought she needed a ticket to get on Soul Train.

    She sold the car for gas money.

    When she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

    When she heard that 90 percent of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

    She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

    When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  6. Nihilistic

    Nihilistic Close the world, txEn eht nepO

    How bout a BAD TASTE joke

    O.J. verdict
    A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in L.A.

    He's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual; we're not even moving."

    He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars, so he rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer, what's the hold-up?"

    "O.J. just found out the verdict, and he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $8.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

    The man says, "Oh really, how much have you collected so far."

    The officer replies, "So far, ten gallons."

  7. BigDadday

    BigDadday Everday People

    A few,,,,,,,,,,,

    IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
    IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
    AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

    IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

    IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
    AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

    IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK.....you have to share.

    IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.

    IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
    AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

    IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
    AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


    It has often been suggested that English should
    have male and female nouns. Here are a few
    candidates for consideration as useful male and
    female nouns:
    SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though
    it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends
    most of its time just opening bottles.
    KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the
    bathroom in pairs.
    PENLIGHT -- male, because it can be turned on very
    easily, but isn't very bright.
    TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is
    HOT AIR BALLOON: male, because to get it to go
    anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of
    course, there's the hot air part.
    SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and
    squeezable and retain water.
    WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting
    hit on.
    SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with
    its tongue hanging out.
    COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes
    a while to warm up. Also, because it is an effective
    reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed.
    Also, because it can wreak havoc when the wrong
    buttons are pushed.
    ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything
    in, but you can always see right through them.
    SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines
    to pick people up.
    HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight
    shifts to the bottom.
    HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much
    over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around
    and it's good for killing bugs.

    Just a joke!


    In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetamenaphin, Advil is Ibuprofen, Rogaine is Minoxodil and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they decided on Mycoxafloppin
    and will wait for an answer before going nuts in here.;)
  8. Inkara1

    Inkara1 New Member

    I have three heads, nine arms and 12 legs. What am I?
    A liar! :D
  9. fury

    fury Administrator Staff Member

    Go for it, BD, your last post had me rolling :D
  10. habaneroman

    habaneroman New Member

  11. habaneroman

    habaneroman New Member

    Soda Machine

    There was a blonde woman at a soda machine. She put a dollar in the
    slot and pushed the Pepsi button. The Pepsi came out, so she took it
    and put the change in her purse.

    She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the
    Mountain Dew button. The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the
    change and put it in her purse.

    Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her
    money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.

    Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady! What's taking you
    so long?"

    She answered, "Duh! I'm still winning!"

  12. leslie

    leslie New Member

    Tragedy in Eastern Canada
    Gander NFLD (CP)
    Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetary early this morning in central Newfoundland. Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
  13. fury

    fury Administrator Staff Member

  14. leslie

    leslie New Member

    A recent study was done by USA Today to determine the most popular position for sex amongst married couples. The results showed, overwhelmingly, that it happens to be "doggie" style. He sits up and begs, while she rolls over and plays dead.

  15. leslie

    leslie New Member

    A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

    The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass.

    The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

    The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy."

    The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

    The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

    The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

  16. leslie

    leslie New Member

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a
    ball of string on the counter.

    She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

    He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to
    the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is soooooo much cheaper.

    So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
  17. Professur

    Professur Mushroom at large

  18. fury

    fury Administrator Staff Member

    What he said
  19. leslie

    leslie New Member

    Wrong Wife

    After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight.He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

    Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife a e-mail, but due to his haste, made an error in the e-mail address.

    His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor,let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

    Dearest wife,
    Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow. Your loving husband.
    PS Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
  20. habaneroman

    habaneroman New Member

    A guy walks into a bar. He rushes over to the counter and says to the
    bartender, "Quick! Give me 10 martinis!"

    The bartender sees that the guy is in some sort of hurry, so he pours
    the drinks. The guy starts to drink them down as fast as he can.
    Double-fisted and all. So the bartender asks the guy, "What's the

    The guy says, "If you had what I have, you'd be drinking as fast as
    you can, too."

    The bartender says, "I'm so sorry to hear that. What do you have?"

    The guy says, "Seventy-five cents!"

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